what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
