Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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