took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he thought i was a dude.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
