I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
