I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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