Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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