yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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