yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
zippers are such a cool invention
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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