I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
