The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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