I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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