I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
