i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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