my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
