Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
