after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
