He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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