Jerry, you need to find god
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
