Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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