This is not my ceiling
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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