The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
