I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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