the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
