just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
