If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
