I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
