I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
