My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
