you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
