i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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