Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
love makes seman taste better
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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