He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
