Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize