You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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