I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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