Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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