Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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