I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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