It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
