I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
