I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
