The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
