woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
