my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
