I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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