Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
send nudes
from the living room?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize