Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
