just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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