i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
