I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
