if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
