Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
