Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Randomize
