The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
as a side note pls kill me
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
