my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
