i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
