I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
