My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
so much tequila, so little girl.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
