i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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