i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
did you just send me my own nude
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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