Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
