I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
