the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
